RAiSE UP - Parenting

Neilani Jasmine Sengmany was born July 16th, 2006. I was 24 years old and I could not have been happier. It had been a dream of mines since a young teenager to eventually become a father. The idea of having a kid that’s my best friend with whom I could learn, grow, adventure and discover with is something I desired more than anything else.

There are so many layers when it comes to parenting and there really is no manual for it. It can be even more challenging if being a parent is something you didn’t plan for and/or never genuinely desired. We (Chrissy and I) did not plan on having a kid, however, we work really well together with co-parenting and we always put our egos to the side in the best interest of Neilani.

I get asked a lot about how I go about raising Neilani. I must say, I am truly blessed to have her as my daughter. She is truly a unique, kind and loving soul. There are lots of things we’ve done as parents that has molded her into who she is today, but we had nothing to do with her soul. For that, I’m truly grateful.

I hope I can give some insight on how I parent Neilani with this write up. I’m not here to tell anyone else how they should raise their kid(s). I can only hope I’m doing something right and by sharing some of my best practices, maybe inspire other parents out there who have no clue, yet desire guidance and help. As I stated earlier, there are many layers, but like with anything worth while, there are some familiar core values and principles. Hard work, patience, understanding, consistency, creativity and an open mind with the intention to adapt.

I really don’t know how else to put this, but from an early age, I established dominance. Let me preface that by saying I’ve never hit, beat or spanked Neilani. It has all been done with firm communication and sometimes a louder voice than normal and I always follow up a constructive coaching moment with a positive reinforcement conversation.

For example, when she was only 1 ½ years old, she spilled an entire bag of Cheetos on the carpet. I had showed her how to hold the bag properly and warned her she would spill it if she kept playing around while holding it. As soon as she spilled the chips, I grabbed her and she immediately started crying. I told her I was not going to let her go until she stopped crying so that we could have a discussion about what just transpired. I asked her different questions to entice her to stop crying such as, “Do you want me to let you go so you can go back to your mom?” Of course she nodded yes but I would reply with, “Ok, I will let you go to your mom if you stop crying first. Secondly, we have to talk about what just happened, then you can go to your mom. But first, you must stop crying.” It took about 30-45 mins for her to finally stop crying. (patience) It did not matter to me how long it would of taken. I wanted her to understand I could outlast her and there was no other way but for her to stop crying so that we could have a discussion about it.

Once she stopped, I began my questioning, not telling, “What happened?” “Did you understand me when I explained to you how to hold the bag?” “Why is it not ok to have chips on the floor?” “Who’s fault was it?” “How can you prevent it next time?” etc.. And I waited until she answered every question on her own. Never did I ask the question and then answer for her. I always made sure I explained the why and have her repeat it to me. Also, I never “dumbed” down my words. I used vocabulary I would normally use with any adult. Kids are like sponges and soak up everything and between the ages 2-5, they can learn up to 20 new words per day. If there was a word I thought she didn’t understand, I’d ask her. If she didn’t understand it, I got creative and found analogies or metaphors to get her to understand it better.

Once she understood everything, I always made sure I reinforced the conversation with positivity. Telling her thank you for talking and understanding and that I loved her. I’d tell her good job for listening so attentively and answering the questions because I wanted to show her the value in those little details of communication. Then, I’d have her pick a game or activity we could play right after so that she wouldn’t be sad, upset or develop habits of beating herself up too much. This would also validate my love for her and later come in handy when I would teach her that the things I’m teaching her are really for her benefit and not just because dad or mom “say’s so”.

Another example is when we were at the mall and she wanted to throw a fit and run around like she was at home. She thought she could get away with it because we were in a public place. That didn’t matter to me. I’m a firm believer of being mindful of others and having a balance of knowing when to play and when to be respectful. So I picked her up and held her in the middle of the mall with tons of people around to let her know she needed to behave so of course she started crying. As I held her, I told her we weren’t moving until she stopped crying so we could have a discussion about her behavior. A little over an hour later, we were happily shopping again because I didn’t cave. She needed to know that no matter where we were, she was going to be held accountable for her actions. She knew where to “be a kid” and where she needed to be respectful. Let’s say we’re out to eat at a restaurant, she knew she would have to stay in her seat and be respectful. No running around, jumping on tables and such. Soon after, I’d take her to a place where she could run around, like the park or Chuck e Cheese. I always had a conversation with her about the differences. I was not going to justify my kids bad behavior in public settings with the excuse, “she’s just a kid being a kid.” There’s a time and place for that and I think I found the perfect way to balance the two.

Yes, that was a lot to digest and probably leads to more questions. But it is how I “discipline”, communicate and reward her to this day. Every time she makes a “mistake” this is how I approach it. Every single time. Patience, consistency and creativity. I keep an open mind so that I may adapt how I communicate with her as well. I’ve had to learn how to change my tones, my timing and how to pick certain battles. For example, if she makes the same mistake twice, sometimes silence and just body language works but I still follow up later to make sure she understood the impact. Some things require reiteration and multiple teaching conversations with similar examples.

There’s one other thing I’ve implemented with Neilani that I feel has helped keep her grounded and humble. It’s no secret that individuals with rough pasts and upbringings normally have thicker skin and a better understanding of what it feels like to have nothing and the humbling experience of having to work for EVERYTHING. I personally grew up with nothing and although I want Neilani to have similar experiences, I was not going to put her through the exact upbringing I had. I had to find a creative way to imitate my upbringing and find a balance without putting her in dangerous situations. So I figured I would be the parent that would never buy her a Birthday present or a Christmas present. This was going to be my way of raising her to understand that love can be something different than material things and what society shows you. This was going to keep her mind open, prevent her from feeling entitled and not just do something because everyone else is doing it. Now the true blessing is that her mom and that side of the family still celebrate and buy her presents which is the perfect balance. She’s able to experience tradition and all the blessings that come with that yet understand it’s unnecessary when it comes to true love and that she doesn’t need to stress over it. It still shocks people to this day when I tell them I’ve never gotten her a gift on designated days. But there’s no denying our bond and our love for each other. We’ve shared so many experiences and to me, that is the true gift.

Now, that doesn’t mean I haven’t bought her anything, ever! I just always want to make sure she earns her gifts. For example, she made the all-star soccer team one year. After the all-star game, I asked her to recap the year and what actions made me most proud.

She replied with, “I worked hard. I was respectful to my coaches, teammates and opponents. I always made sure I was cheering on other players and giving high fives. I paid attention to the game when I was on the bench and made sure I positively encouraged others.”

I surprised her by taking her to Target, handing her a shopping cart and telling her she could fill it up with whatever she wanted. I explained that she had earned it. And guess what was the first thing she wanted to buy... Something for her cousin. She worked so hard and earned so much yet she wanted to give. I was in tears. This was about 5 years ago and just recently she asked me, “Dad remember when you took me to Target and told me I could buy whatever because I earned it?!? Yeah, I’ll never forget that experience.” 😭😭😭

In conclusion, if you’re looking to become a parent, it’s already an uphill battle. It makes it that much more difficult if you’re not currently practicing patience, understanding, listening attentively, communication in a timely manner and being open minded with the intention to adapt. Basically, to be a good parent, you should be working on being a good person now. A good son/daughter, friend, lover, etc… Cause when you have a kid, you have to be the best example 24/7. You can’t clock out. You can’t just walk away. You can’t just sweep things under the rug. Kids pick up on everything. More times than not, if they’re doing something wrong, you should look in the mirror and see how you can parent differently to get the desired behavior as kids are usually a direct reflection of their parents.

With that being said, the following two paragraphs are written by Neilani. She was really excited about being able to add her two cents to this topic. Enjoy!

“Hello people, this is Neilani and I asked my dad if it was okay if I put a little of my perspective in his blog. He said sure and I immediately began writing. First of all I wanted to address the no presents thing. Yes, it is true, he has not ever gotten me a gift on any special occasion. I grew up not knowing the difference. I didn’t compare myself to my other friends and why their parents gave them presents and not mine. When I was little I never really wondered why he never got me anything because when I did something good and impactful, or if i accomplished something that i've been working so hard on, he would reward me for that. It’s like looking forward to a holiday, many people get excited for the presents, but when you get recognized and rewarded for the hard work and positivity you put into something you soon look forward to facing those challenges as like it was a holiday. I soon began to realize I didn’t need the rewards to look forward to working hard, being positive and respectful, and being a good role model...”

“...I also wanted to talk about him helping me through my problems. I remember very vividly me getting in trouble and crying. He would take me into the garage so we wouldn't disturb anyone else in the house. He would sit there with me until I stopped crying. He would sit there in silence, not yelling, and not talking. Originally I wanted to leave his site, I really did. I wanted to crawl back into my moms arms as if it was my safety zone, but he refused to let me go. Soon it made me realize he wasn’t there to be mad at me, he was there to help me fix my mistakes and talk me through it. He would always ask me questions and I remember always being scared to answer them. I remember seeing my other friends parents asking their kids questions, and if they didn’t answer they would answer for them. Then they would wrap up the conversation by telling them to not do it again. Those are just some of the key things people ask and wonder about when talking about how he parents me. My point of view may be completely different, but we both are focused on the same thing. That’s just what makes our relationship stronger :)” -Neilani Jasmine Sengmany

Thanks for reading ladies and gents!!! And oh, Neilani picked out all 12 photos!